


I Don't Love Her Like I Should

by guitarist17



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 08:27:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9985271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guitarist17/pseuds/guitarist17
Summary: Tobin is good at pretending everything is okay. She is great at it actually.Unfortunately everyone has their moments of weakness, and tonight Tobin can’t look at her in the eyes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A little thing that has been on my mind today, inspired by a French song.  
> I'm not a native speaker, meaning I'm sorry if there are any mistakes/weird orders.  
> Hope you'll enjoy.

Tobin is good at pretending everything is okay. She is great at it actually.

Unfortunately everyone has their moments of weakness, and tonight Tobin can’t look at her in the eyes.

“Are you alright?” The sweet loving voice that has been lulling her for the past year wonders from across the table. “You’ve been quiet all night.”

Tobin forces herself to look up and offers her best fake smile to her girlfriend.

“Yes, I’m perfect. Just a little tired is all. I’m sorry if I was boring tonight love,” she genuinely apologizes, passing her hand in her hair before standing up to take their dishes in the kitchen.

“You’re never boring babe,” the sweet voice follows her.

“To you maybe, I’m sure other people would disagree,” Tobin chuckles, putting down their plates in the sink.

The warmth of a body being pressed against her back makes her suck in a breath and she swallows audibly.

“But I’m the only one that matters right?” The puff of hot air against the back of her neck sends a chill down her spine, but not the kind of chill Tobin would want it to be.

Feeling panic invade her body she shuts her eyes tightly, praying to quickly find an escape out of this situation.

“Right?” Lips caress the skin of her neck with the whispered word and Tobin grips the kitchen counter hard, her knuckles whitening.

“Of course love,” she lets out with a small voice. “You know it.”

“Hm I do,” a cold nose is pressed on her skin making the little hairs of her neck raise, all for the wrong reasons again.

“I have an article to finish for Becky. She needs it first thing in the morning if we want it to be in Wednesday paper,” Tobin rapidly says, trying to push the body off of her as gently as she can.

“Oh come on, can’t you deal with it after?” Any other day her cute pouting face would have convinced Tobin, but today it just makes her feel worse.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to stop and go work if we start,” she tries to joke, a small giggle letting her know that she succeeded.

“Alright… There’s always tomorrow.”

Relief washes over Tobin as she leans in to press a light kiss on pink lips.

“Go to bed love. It shouldn’t take long,” she rasps, making her way toward her study.

“I’ll wait for you.”

Tobin clenches her jaw at the adoration filling the words, guilt making her stomach jump as she responds as sweetly as she can.

“It’s not necessary love.”

“I’ll see if I’m tired or not. And just in case I don’t see you until tomorrow...” Tobin watches with her jaw still clenched as her girlfriend jogs toward her with a smile to kiss her . “I love you.”

Tobin’s throat tightens, just the way it did the first time she heard those same words. However the tremble in her voice as she returns the words doesn’t have the same meaning as it did that day.

“I love you too.”

**

In the safety of her study Tobin paces from a wall to another, her breaths shaky as tears start to fill her eyes, her mind feeling like it is going a million miles an hour.

Seeing a picture and _that_ name in the newspaper, that’s all it took to rock Tobin’s world. She thought she was over it. She thought she had left that face and that name behind. She thought they didn’t mean anything to her anymore.

However the feeling that has settled in the pit of her stomach since she saw the article indicates her that she was wrong all along.

She considers calling her mother, Lauren or even Kelley for help and comfort but a quick look to her watch tells her that they all must be asleep.

Tobin knows it would be useless anyway. She’s never been good at expressing her feelings. How are they supposed to help her if she can’t even tell them what is wrong with her?

The only way she’s ever found to be completely honest and to express her feelings is writing.

Stopping dead in her tracks she stares at her desk where pens and white sheets of paper are waiting to be used. In what feels forever she weighs up the pros and cons of the crazy idea that went through her mind, and before she knows it she is sitting at her desk, a pen in her hand and a sheet of paper waiting to be darkened.

Taking a big breath she grips her pen harder and cracks her neck before scratching the paper with her messy handwriting.

_~~My Dear~~ ,_

_Hello,_

_It has been a while, hasn’t it? Or do you not realize it?_

_I would ask how you are doing, how is your life, if you miss me, but that is not the point of this letter._

_Days are passing and I still don’t understand. I’m counting every minute that separate me from you. Like a sadomasochist or like I’m my own prisoner. I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m still counting. But I am. It is so hard to live with it._

_It’s been more than a year since she saved me from you. More than a year. I can’t believe how fast time is going. And I can’t believe she is still by my side._

_I often wonder where I would be, who I would be, if we were still together._

_I often wonder where you are, what you are doing, who you love._

_I need to get you out of my head._

 

Feeling tears starting to fill her eyes again Tobin looks away, blinking rapidly to make them go away. She takes long and deep breaths, like she was once taught to do during her first yoga class ever.

After a few seconds she feels calmer and so she grabs her pen again and picks up where she left off.

 

_You know I changed my number. I even moved out. I made sure that you couldn’t contact me anymore._

_I threw out all your clothes, all your letters, all our pictures. I threw out everything that reminded me of you. I didn’t have much left at the end._

_I’ve put on a mask, pretending that you don’t affect me anymore. That I don’t hurt when I think of what we had. I make sure everyone thinks I am strong. But deep down I’ve kept everything. Everything that you left behind, the good and the bad. I still have it in me and it still tears me in half when I think of it. It still tears me in half when I remember how much you loved me._

A drop falls on the paper startling Tobin and she’s quick to wipe her face with the back of her hand.

“Come on Tobin, you can do this,” she mutters, massaging her forehead to try and make her headache disappear.

 

_I try to forget you with someone else. I try to cure myself with someone else._

_She tries to right your wrongs you know. She really tries. And she is so perfect. And for her I’m trying so hard._

_~~I’m trying but I’m not able to~~  _

_~~I’m trying but if I’m completely honest I don’t want to~~ _

_I’m trying but I can’t. I don’t love her like I love you._

 

As she manages to read her last sentence Tobin lets out a small strangled sob. She thinks she has always known, but seeing it written in black and white makes it all real.

Needing a break she quietly opens the door of her study and shuffles to the kitchen without turning the lights on. She drinks a glass of water in one gulp and presses her forehead on the cold kitchen wall, trying to calm her thoughts.

She knows the letter is going to change everything but she needs to finish it. She won’t be able to live with herself otherwise.

When she walked passed her bedroom door a few minutes ago she hadn’t noticed that it was slightly open. She takes a peep through the door to make sure everything is okay only to have her heart skip a beat at the sight of her sleeping girlfriend.

Her bedside lamp is still on and a book is open on her chest as she must have fallen asleep reading it.

Tobin tiptoes to her side and carefully puts the book on the nightstand. Seeing the innocent face of her lover, she kneels besides her and softly brushes a few strands of hair off her face before kissing her forehead. In her sleep the other woman reaches for Tobin’s shirts, clenching it before letting go with a small sigh.

“Sleep,” she groans, making Tobin smile adoringly before she turns off the light.

As she reaches the bedroom door Tobin takes a last look in the room, tasting the guilt on her tongue as she murmurs in the dark.

“I am so sorry.”

It doesn’t take long for her to face her letter again.

“Let’s get this over with,” she murmurs to herself, ready to be invaded by the feelings she tried to bottle up until now.

 

_She tried to comfort me you know. But she doesn’t have you words._

_Her voice is soothing, it used to calm me down immediately. But she doesn’t sound like you._

_Her eyes are so beautiful, so bright, so loving, full of life. But their color is not the right color for me._

_Her skin is incredibly soft, so warm, sweet and inviting. But she doesn’t taste like you._

_She doesn’t have your taste for the night, for parties, for recklessness, and everything that I hate. Everything that took you away from me._

_Why isn’t she enough?_

_She dried all my tears. She picked up the pieces of the disaster you left behind. She paid your debt. She erased your crossing-outs. She tried to erase it all. All you left me._

_Why isn't she enough?_

 

Her eyes shut tightly Tobin tries to calm her breathing. Everything is hitting her like a ton of bricks, making her realize the lie she’s been living in for more than a year.

With tears burning her eyes and sobs that she tries to swallow back, Tobin slowly writes the end of the letter.

 

_She loves me like crazy, she knows me by heart._

_She tells me she loves me, sometimes for hours long._

_But she doesn’t smell like you. Her neck doesn’t smell like your neck where I once belonged._

_Why do I smell you when I’m in her arms?_

 

Her tears have stopped when she puts the final interrogation point. Strangely, Tobin feels at peace. The guilt isn’t burning her throat anymore and she feels lighter. Everything is clear now. She now sees how blind and foolish she was. How unfair to others she was. How she is hurting herself and the one she is supposed to love.

At first she never thought of sending the letter. She was sure she would burn it or throw it away and try to forget about it. However, with the weight of her lies off her shoulders she feels high and it’s almost unconsciously that she reaches for her laptop and types in the name she’s tried to forget for almost two years.

The next thing she knows she is facing her letter protected by a closed and stamped envelope with an address neatly written on the front.

She knows it is only missing one thing. But she doesn’t know if she really is willing to send the letter.

So she stands up, grabs her coat, puts on her sneakers and lets the night engulf her as she walks towards the nearest mailbox.

It is a short walk, and within a few minutes she finds herself standing in front of it.

With a deep breath she closes her eyes and asks the question out loud.

“Do I need to send it in order to have a closure?”

The answer isn’t the one she was expecting. She knows that if she wants to really forget and move on she needs to go all the way. If she stops now she won’t have the closure she needs, she will keep lying.

“Please, get out of my head now,” Tobin murmurs as she takes her pen from her pocket.

She is cold  and tired, all she wants is being over with this and finally free. She wants to go snuggle with the woman who loves her more than anything and who she should love with all of her heart.

So she scribbles the name on the envelope, whispering it as she writes.

“Christen Press.”

And she sends it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
